That boy ain't right

Yah, sure, I'll bite. 'Cause I haven't humiliated myself enough yet -- why not go into my sordid and aimless past while I'm at it?

20 years ago, I:

• was a 15-year-old sophomore in high school, in Bakersfield, CA. I was reading Isaac Asimov stories, Sherlock Holmes stories, Philo Vance stories, Ursula K. LeGuin stories, and my parents' nonfiction books on the history of sex, nudes in European artwork, and the erotic fiction books they'd thought they'd hidden, on a fairly regular basis. I was very into building elaborate paper and plastic models at this time; I had a WWII obsession. I also had an obsession with my family doctor's daughter.


• I was very much into playing games and typing out little programs on the family Apple II+. We would be loyal Apple customers, all the way until I graduated law school.


• Also around this time, I had a peer group that loved to ridicule me. There was one day that I'd had enough and finally took a swing at one of the bigger guys, only to really regret my decision the rest of that day and for some time afterwards.


• Sensing a theme yet? At this age, I was not kissing anyone, and would not kiss a girl until my first year of college.

10 years ago, I:

• ...had graduated law school. Barely. I would soon take the bar, and be the only one taking it in surfer shorts and flipflops. Near the end, I was showing up to a class or two in rollerblading gear. I'd be the only person to dress up for Halloween (juggling court jester one year, Hamlet the next, complete with Yorick's skull). During this time, I would strike up a relationship with a classmate, and then eventually break up with her because she treated me like shit to an unbelievable degree. (I've forgiven her then and now, but I don't really have an interest in talking to her. She seems to be married, with a child of her own, and living in Scotland.)


• I would continue my hapless aimlessness by deciding that law wasn't really the thing I wanted to do with myself after all. I started taking unemployed nerd-type odd jobs, i.e. sifting through legal documents, doing document control for a property inspection company, and testing software for an outsource testing company. This last would be the start of a 10+ year career in a field I have an abiding "it pays the bills"/"it can be really interesting sometimes"/"God, please make the pain stop" kind of relationship with.


• I took my first improv comedy class and I got my first headshot photo taken (it was really awful). I'd forgotten about acting entirely until I'd taken some career counseling/"Artist's Way"/unleash your creativity kinds of classes at a learning annex in Cupertino. I had myself set on getting back into the visual arts, actually -- but it was there that I heard from the other people in the class, over and over again, that performing was where I should apply myself. Hmmm.

5 years ago, I:

• ...snagged a serious hottie. I was picking out cake.
• ...was working at what would eventually turn out to be my worst employment experience, ever. I rode out the bust with that job; and like a lot of employers, I'm fairly sure the powers that be -- still in existence there -- counted on the crappy economy to keep the disgruntled in line. I wonder what I would've done, or where we would've ended up, had I not taken this job.
• ...started acting in plays on a fairly regular basis. Soon after I married that awesome hottie, I landed what would turn out to be one of my favorite acting experiences: a huge debut in gay theater. I was the token straight boy in "A Few Gay Men", and I still have my "Honorary Fag" plaque from the rest of the cast to prove it. Although there's still the odd experience of having your new, loving wife see you mime oral sex on another man in front of a lot of people in a crowded, dark theater on a Saturday night. Mer was very understanding throughout all of this. I hope she finds an obsession -- no, apart from the obvious little boy sleeping in the next room -- some sort of driving desire that I can be understanding about sometime.

3 years ago, I:

• ...got fired from that crappy restaurant site. It was getting so that the extra hours, without even thanks for the work, let alone comp time, plus the resentment at being misused, meant that I had to force myself even to do the barest minimum amount of work each day. A lot of the time I couldn't even manage that. So my ass was out on the street. I went to a commercial audition right afterwards.
• It was around this time that I got signed by my very understanding and patient talent agency.
• I would have the best travel experiences of my life. (The awesome hottie has something to do with it.)
• Bri's Early Morning Stud Farm would come into existence. It's an odd sensation to know that you're having quite a lot of sex, but not really being able to remember it that well. This is also the time of humiliating and grubby semen-collecting exercises in front of a computer screen in an otherwise empty room (we were moving at the time). One of our friends even offered a room in her house as a private masturbation area, so that my little guys would be fresher. I declined out of general embarrassment and ickiness.

1 year ago, I:

• ...don't remember a whole lot. It's kind of a blur.
• ...had a couple of anxiety- and sleep deprivation-related nervous breakdowns. When the person you love seems to be destroying herself with worrying and anxiety, and there's nothing you can do about it other than go through the range of emotions including anger, depression, reflexive anxiety, resignation... it's not good for the psyche. Let alone what my wife was putting herself through at the time.
• ...Meanwhile, LM was planning his first blitzkrieg, Stewie-style.

so far this year, I:

• fell more in love with my wife
• watched my son turn into the Tiger tank I always knew he was
• gave up acting in plays, only to do the occasional voiceover or industrial film
• cultivated a huge board gaming obsession as a result of Mer being on bedrest during her pregnancy

today, I:

• did some work, but largely pissed away a lot of time at my current employer (the internet arm of a large retailer based in Arkansas, scourge of corporations, dictates economic policy with China, subject of a lot of punitive legislation and angry leftist documentaries, bad corporate citizen, etc., rhymes with Gall-Fart); planning my next employment jump; bitched with like-minded coworkers. We've come to the conclusion that while we're indebted to our current company for being, let's be honest, a hospitable and even nice (sometimes) place to work during weird times, we could be doing a whole lot better for ourselves. And it's not as if the place is going to stop being dysfunctional anytime soon.
• got an audition for another voiceover audition in the city
• blogged, under duress

tomorrow, I:

• go to the pediatric neurologist appointment, and will likely be told to get the hell out of her office with our happy caught-up child
• go to that audition in the city while fobbing off work with the pediatric neurologist appointment
• work out in hopes of losing 20 lbs on a crash diet - the agency is asking for new headshots to give out, and the ones I have are old, from when I first signed with them 3 years ago. Therefore I can't be the fatty I am now, or some other reason that drives people into eating disorders. At least I'm up to running 4 miles a day and doing 200 sit-ups whenever I hit the gym, although weight training is still a complete anathema to me.

In the next year, I:

• ...will sound like a complete trite fortune cookie wisdom-spouting bastard, because it's late and I want to get to bed, therefore I:
• will enjoy my lovely wife
• will revel in my mischevious, cunning, theatrical, comedian son, especially when I start swim class with him
• will fail to take many things seriously
• will play games of Ra, Mall of Horror, Taj Mahal and Fury of Dracula

I think that's it. What do I win?