Underworld -- underdone
yeah, yeah, spoiler alert and all that. Mer and I saw it with S & MJ last night.
It sucks the high hard one.
Let's start with the negatives, shall we?
1. Dialogue that sounds like an army of scriptwriters raided every horrible cop movie cliche. Yes, cop movies.
Villain Who Isn't Really Much of a Villain 'Cause He's Really More Oily than Threatening, and Also a Terrible Actor: "Soon, you'll see things my way."
Uber-Vampire that Looks Startlingly Like William S. Borroughs in a James Brown Cape: "You are expelled from the mansion!"
Kate Beckinsale, Who Really Doesn't Need to Slum for her Husband-Director, Explaining Way Too Much Uninteresting Plot: "Craven is a bureaucrat, not a warrior."
Kind of a warning sign about the movie you're watching when the crappy villain is named Craven.
Like Kevin Murphy would say: "She's a vampire who doesn't play by the rules. And she's got a vampire captain who's angry at her for not playing by the rules."
2. The whole movie takes place in three very cheap locations: the streets of Budapest, the Eyes Wide Shut mansion, and an abandoned warehouse/subway station. I think there's one location scout that just owns the abandoned warehouse all of these movies get filmed in.
3. A story that nobody cares about, since it's fairly incoherent to begin with and the characters also insist on TELLING YOU EVERY LAST DETAIL. Much as I love hearing about the minutes of vampire clan meetings, I could do without it when all this movie was trying to be was a Matrix-y supernatural action movie.
4. Even by this movie's low standards to begin with, the action stuff fails -- we've seen all the Matrix action before, all the flips, all the gunplay, all the PVC and cooler-than-thou Goth aesthetic. Let's just say I'm very tired of that cynical calculation of many action movies these days: put people in form-fitting Goth outfits with guns, and you've instantly got your movie. The script writes itself. Or doesn't.
5. I'm getting older, so movies are getting LOUDER. Everybody wants their movie spiced up with White Zombie (or some lame Hungarian equivalent) to show that it's HARDCORE and KICKASS and AWESOME. It all just sucks.
6. There's a massive African-Brit who plays a menacing werewolf (oh, sorry -- Lycan) henchman. He's one big motha, except the menacing effect is totally destroyed by his voice. Ned from South Park and Donald Duck had a love child. Hilarious.
Advantages:
1. Nice shots of Kate's heinie. Which sorta made me wonder about her husband's willingness to focus on it onscreen.
2. Jesus is mighty pissed and craves blood.